NBA Nicknames: The Good, The OK, The Lame, The New.

So, the Minister and I were discussing nicknames the other day. There just aren't as many cool monikers in the NBA nowadays. Sports journalists have gotten so lazy that everyone's just "First Initial + hyphen + First Syllable of Last name". Back in the day, you had names that were both apropos AND they were inspired. Now you're lucky if you just get something catchy for Chris Berman to say in a highlight clip.

No more "Human Highlight Film", "the Rainman", "the Glove", or "Chocolate Thunder". Nowadays the best we've gotten are "Chairman" Yi, "Durantula", and "Birdman" Anderson. (And Birdman's only funny because of his performance in the Slam-Dunk competition.)

So, I'm going to shed some light on some horrible nicknames, point out some of the better examples, and then throw out some easy dishes for the lazy writers to latch on to, so I can hear some more colorful color commentary on the airwaves.

Solid: Adam "Ammo" Morrison. You look at this at first, and it doesn't seem like a good match. How can you call a guy "Ammo" when he's sitting on the bench all the time, right? But then you think about it, and it fits perfectly. They don't call spent rounds "ammo". Ammo only refers to the unfired rounds you have in your gun, or back in the armory. Ammo is unused. Just like Adam Morrison, it stays there out of battle, ever-ready to be used...someday.

"Any time you wanna use it, Coach."
Image Cred: Fiddlin-Around.com

Completely Inaccurate: Chauncey "Mr. Big Shot" Billups. Yeah, "Mr. Big Shot" is totally a nickname I'd give to a career field goal percentage of 41.6%, a sub-39% 3 point percentage. He steps up when it counts the most, supposedly, which is why his shooting percentages are even lower in every single category in the playoffs. From the even closer international line in the FIBA Championships, "Mr. Big Shot" put up a sub-32% 3-point performance, and shot sub-40% from the field. Maybe this was applicable once in his career. It isn't anymore.

Suggestions for a more accurate nickname: Chauncey Brickups, Mr. Brick Shot, Duck

Needs to Catch On: Michael "Bigabu" Beaze. Say it fast. Shout it from the rafters. The Minister of Clutch would appreciate it.

Already blowin' up outside of the NBA.
Image Cred: PSPgweber.com

Not Bad: Luol "The Man from Sudan" Deng. This isn't bad. It conjures up images of Luol being a Bond Villain, or someone out of U.N.C.L.E. Unfortunately, it doesn't say anything about his basketball ability. It's still better than something that's just based on his name like, "Luol-ocoaster" or "Luol-Cat".

Needs Improvement: Hedo "Glu, Turk, Turkey Glue" Turkoglu. These mostly rely on you mispronouncing his last name, except for Turk, which, once again is basically only highlighting his country of origin.

The Minister of Clutch humbly suggests, Hedo "Thanksgiving" Turkoglu. Hedo's a very inconsistent player. Some nights, it's like, he's the best day out of the year. There is a great bounty to be thankful for, and much rejoicing is had by all. Other nights, it's like you've been screaming with your drunken relatives all night. That's why "Thanksgiving" is the perfect name for him.

Needs to Catch On: The Minister will be very upset with NBA fans and journalists at large if Derrick "Sexual" Favors is not even suggested as a nickname for the 19-year-old rookie with the pants-dropping game and hops that can aptly be described as "the new hotness". After last season's 12-win campaign, Nets fans are definitely hoping for a little 'sexual healing' this year.

"Look out other players, here comes SEX-ual Fa-vors..."
Image Cred: PlayMe.com

Inaccurate: Vince "Air Canada", "Half Man, Half Amazing" Carter. The Minister proposes that either "Wince Carter" or "Half Man, Half a Season" stick. I like to bring in some rap roots here, and I hereby dub him "Tha Ill-Advised Carter III". Vince enjoys a reputation that is completely disproportionate to his level of skill, and a gaudy career 31.2% stroke from deep in the Playoffs. He's all hype and his defenders don't have a damn clue what they're talking about. Just like Lil' Wayne.