The Lakers are NOT the Yankees of Basketball. Not Yet.

The other day I was watching the highlights from the opening games of the MLB postseason, and I commented on how all the teams I wanted to lose had pulled off the annoying victory. The game on at the time was Yankees/Twins. My friend turned to see, and then voiced his appreciation of the Yankees.

I asked why he'd root for a team that was so blatantly evil, and he said it was because people are always comparing the Lakers to the Yankees because they're both dominant, and people hate them both merely for their success.

I fired off a few quick reasons why the comparisons were apples to oranges. The Yankees simply outbid everyone for players, while anyone in the NBA has to either draft well or con someone in a trade, etc... But then I thought, how in the world did the freaking Celtics avoid this comparison? The Celtics have won the most titles - a fact that Boston fans are constantly crowing about - but their fans also simultaneously play the underdog card.

So, Boston fans and media at large... You want to call the Lakers the NBA Yankees, these are the criteria that need to be met:

• Every time I hear a Boston fan shout about their 17 titles, I need to hear them add that 8 of those were won in when the playoffs were two rounds long, and because there wasn't free-agency their dynasty was going to remain intact until their players retired.
  
  
• I need to hear Boston fans admit that the Lakers have whipped them 8 to 3 when the playoffs are 4 rounds long.
  
  
• The Lakers need to have a player on the team who takes the title of "NBA Player Who Most Exemplifies A-Rod's In-Game Douchebaggery" away from Kevin Garnett.
  
  
  
  Ok, so maybe this one already happened.
  Image Cred: Lakers of Fire
  
  
• Every time a Celtics fans pops off about the Lakers being unable to count the 5 titles they won in Minnesota, they are forcibly reminded that they can't count their first 13, because they are in fact, actually the Clippers.

You do this, and I'll be fine with the Lakers being compared with the Yankees even though the Lakers haven't yet grabbed the throne of "Most Franchise NBA Titles". Until then, you can't have your cake and eat it, too. You're either the one with the target on your back, or you accept that you're not unquestionably the Greatest Franchise of All-Time. Pick one and stick with it.

David Stern must be reading our blog...

Some of you may recall our recent recent post that condemned the excessive complaining in the NBA.  Well, apparently our own complaints reached the highest levels of the NBA hierarchy.


As reported by ESPN:

At the referees' annual meeting in Jersey City, N.J., on Thursday, the league announced the guidelines for technical fouls will expand to include "overt" player reactions to referee calls.

Referees have been instructed to call a technical for:

• Players making aggressive gestures, such as air punches, anywhere on the court.

• Demonstrative disagreement, such as when a player incredulously raises his hands, or smacks his own arm to demonstrate how he was fouled.

• Running directly at an official to complain about a call.

• Excessive inquiries about a call, even in a civilized tone.

(Read the full article here.)

Who knows if these measures will actually work, or even be enforced.  After all, NBA referees seem to have trouble keeping track of how many steps LeBron takes on his way to the rim.  But let's give everyone the benefit of the doubt and look forward to a less acrimonious future. 

NBA Nicknames: The Good, The OK, The Lame, The New.

So, the Minister and I were discussing nicknames the other day. There just aren't as many cool monikers in the NBA nowadays. Sports journalists have gotten so lazy that everyone's just "First Initial + hyphen + First Syllable of Last name". Back in the day, you had names that were both apropos AND they were inspired. Now you're lucky if you just get something catchy for Chris Berman to say in a highlight clip.

No more "Human Highlight Film", "the Rainman", "the Glove", or "Chocolate Thunder". Nowadays the best we've gotten are "Chairman" Yi, "Durantula", and "Birdman" Anderson. (And Birdman's only funny because of his performance in the Slam-Dunk competition.)

So, I'm going to shed some light on some horrible nicknames, point out some of the better examples, and then throw out some easy dishes for the lazy writers to latch on to, so I can hear some more colorful color commentary on the airwaves.

Solid: Adam "Ammo" Morrison. You look at this at first, and it doesn't seem like a good match. How can you call a guy "Ammo" when he's sitting on the bench all the time, right? But then you think about it, and it fits perfectly. They don't call spent rounds "ammo". Ammo only refers to the unfired rounds you have in your gun, or back in the armory. Ammo is unused. Just like Adam Morrison, it stays there out of battle, ever-ready to be used...someday.

"Any time you wanna use it, Coach."
Image Cred: Fiddlin-Around.com

Completely Inaccurate: Chauncey "Mr. Big Shot" Billups. Yeah, "Mr. Big Shot" is totally a nickname I'd give to a career field goal percentage of 41.6%, a sub-39% 3 point percentage. He steps up when it counts the most, supposedly, which is why his shooting percentages are even lower in every single category in the playoffs. From the even closer international line in the FIBA Championships, "Mr. Big Shot" put up a sub-32% 3-point performance, and shot sub-40% from the field. Maybe this was applicable once in his career. It isn't anymore.

Suggestions for a more accurate nickname: Chauncey Brickups, Mr. Brick Shot, Duck

Needs to Catch On: Michael "Bigabu" Beaze. Say it fast. Shout it from the rafters. The Minister of Clutch would appreciate it.

Already blowin' up outside of the NBA.
Image Cred: PSPgweber.com

Not Bad: Luol "The Man from Sudan" Deng. This isn't bad. It conjures up images of Luol being a Bond Villain, or someone out of U.N.C.L.E. Unfortunately, it doesn't say anything about his basketball ability. It's still better than something that's just based on his name like, "Luol-ocoaster" or "Luol-Cat".

Needs Improvement: Hedo "Glu, Turk, Turkey Glue" Turkoglu. These mostly rely on you mispronouncing his last name, except for Turk, which, once again is basically only highlighting his country of origin.

The Minister of Clutch humbly suggests, Hedo "Thanksgiving" Turkoglu. Hedo's a very inconsistent player. Some nights, it's like, he's the best day out of the year. There is a great bounty to be thankful for, and much rejoicing is had by all. Other nights, it's like you've been screaming with your drunken relatives all night. That's why "Thanksgiving" is the perfect name for him.

Needs to Catch On: The Minister will be very upset with NBA fans and journalists at large if Derrick "Sexual" Favors is not even suggested as a nickname for the 19-year-old rookie with the pants-dropping game and hops that can aptly be described as "the new hotness". After last season's 12-win campaign, Nets fans are definitely hoping for a little 'sexual healing' this year.

"Look out other players, here comes SEX-ual Fa-vors..."
Image Cred: PlayMe.com

Inaccurate: Vince "Air Canada", "Half Man, Half Amazing" Carter. The Minister proposes that either "Wince Carter" or "Half Man, Half a Season" stick. I like to bring in some rap roots here, and I hereby dub him "Tha Ill-Advised Carter III". Vince enjoys a reputation that is completely disproportionate to his level of skill, and a gaudy career 31.2% stroke from deep in the Playoffs. He's all hype and his defenders don't have a damn clue what they're talking about. Just like Lil' Wayne.

BLOG JAM: Pick-Up Game Chemistry Killers

With free agency winding to a close, The Minister of Clutch and I figured it'd be fitting to talk about another kind of free agency, the kind that actually applies to us. I'm talking about pick-up games of basketball.

Any seasoned baller knows the value of just the right balance in a pick-up game. When all the players are on an equal level and don't have attitude issues, these become legendary games in our minds. Unfortunately, these games are few and far between. Too many games end up with people leaving and saying, "This would have been fun, if it weren't for the one asshole."

Well, it's time to call them out. Here's our list of the worst Pick-Up Game Chemistry Killer Archetypes. Bear in mind that certain people will fit into multiple categories. There's unfortunately no known natural upper-bound in the amount of douchebaggery that one person can employ. With that in mind, please enjoy our list, in no particular order:

The Shoot-Only Point Guard


One unfortunate byproduct of the Allen Iverson era has been the popularization of the "shoot-first PG" philosophy among players not named Allen Iverson.  Even though Iverson is practically irrelevant now, his legacy of play lives on among selfish ballers on playgrounds across America.

See this guy?  He's not Allen Iverson.  Neither are you.

Image Cred: lowposts.com

We've all met him.  We've all played with him.  He's the guy who insists on bringing the ball up the court and then shooting the ball and then wanting the ball back if a teammate manages to rebound the ball.  This guy may actually be a decent player (or at least was when he was younger), and can shoot your team into a game.  But just as quickly he will shoot your team out of the game with his horrendous shot selection and with the defense quickly figuring out his game plan, which does not and will not involve you.

Here is a list of the SOPG's go-to moves: 
• Pull-up three with a hand in his face, before his teammates can get into rebounding position.
• Overdribbling, followed by a turnover
• Overdribbling, followed by an off-balance layup attempt that is doubly contested
• Picking up his dribble inside the perimeter, drawing a double team, then ignoring open teammates to shoot a brick over taller defenders
• Vehemently calling for the ball if a teammate somehow gets the ball, then rolling his eyes if a teammate misses due to being ice cold

If this sounds just like your offensive repertoire, then you're an asshole and you should PASS THE FUCKING BALL.

This style of play ruins the game for everyone.  If you are the SOPG's teammate, then then only time you'll touch the ball is if you get a rebound.  Even if your team wins, you won't care because you didn't get a chance to participate.  If you are facing off against the SOPG, things are a little more tolerable on the offensive end because the SOPG probably doesn't play real defense anyway.  However, sticking to your man who's moving off-ball is a waste of energy because he's never getting the ball anyway... I guess that's a plus if you like saving energy without having to take plays off.  But it certainly doesn't make for good basketball.  If I wanted to be a spectator for a one-man-show, I'd go to a comedy club.

The Big Man Who Doesn't Like Being Typecast

Look, I don't mind people trying to work on different parts of their game in pick-up games. After all, if you're in a league or something, you don't want to experiment with this stuff in your real games. But if we're on a busy court where winners stay, and they've got a big man, you better damn well be setting up on the low block, and not the top of the key. The point guard's domain is the top of the key, and the big man belongs in the paint. If you're not in the paint, then the point guard has to go there. When you start bricking your uncontested 3s, he's not going to get those boards that you'd be getting. (Or you know, airballing them.)

So, Big Man, don't try and work on your Arvydas Sabonis impersonation. You're not Pau Gasol. Set up on the low block, grab boards, and if you run back on the D, I'll drop you a sweet dime so you can look good for the ladies.

Old Spice, gold medals, candelabras and a chainsaw... These things combined can't match the lady-attracting power of a fast-break finish.

Image Cred: thedonutproject.com

The Kid

If your pick-up game is exceedingly lackadaisical, you're not running a good pick-up game. And if you're running a good pick-up game, there's no reason to include a kid who hasn't hit puberty yet. (Unless you're actually a bunch of kids running pick-up games.) Unless your kid's some pre-high school phenom, don't bring him onto the court. Your kid's not going to be able to guard anyone in the post, everyone's going to back him down, and he's not going to have any handles. If ha can hold his own already, great. If this is your attempt to get him to learn how to hold his own, it's stupid.

All he's going to be able to do competently is sit in the corner and jack up 3s. Look, be a good parent and find some good kids for your kid to run with. I know you're trying to be responsible keep an eye on your kid, but seriously, whenever you're playing a pick up game 5-on-4, nobody's happy about it.

Eric's a nice enough guy, but do you really want to give your kid Eric Piatkowsi tendencies?

Image Cred: stopmikelupica.com

The Weed Smoker

This isn't some clever nickname.  The Weed Smoker is exactly what you think he is: a guy who thinks it's okay to smoke weed on the court in broad daylight, even if that court is located outdoors on school grounds that required a little fence-hopping to gain access to.

I myself do not partake of the magical leaf, but I have no problem with it or with people who do (hell, I'm pro-legalization).  I'm just saying that there is a time and a place for everything, and smoking blunts between games is inappropriate.

"He's a very young and immature kid who smoked too much marijuana," said David Kahn.
Image Cred: Getty Images

This isn't even a performance thing.  There are plenty of ballers who have a well-documented love of the ganja.  If anything, these guys are more laid back than some of the other Chemistry Killers on this list... some might even argue that the marijuana makes them more "creative" in setting up teammates.

My point is that when you are quasi-trespassing on public school property, you never know when a cop with nothing better to do decides to roll by and hassle some basketball-playing "thugs," just because you can't go without a hit between the time you left your house and the time you get home.  Grow up.

The Guy Who Thinks Every Game Is an And-1 Game

Let me clarify, I'm not talking about doing a little hot-dogging and trash-talking. I'm talking about some guy who comes down the court when it's 1-0, and spends 30-45 seconds showing off his "handles".

I played with one guy who'd do this all the time. This was in a gym that ran games that went for 12 minutes, and then the game ended. So he'd basically come down, and blow 20% of everyone's game time by boring everyone to death with his unimpressive dribbling. At one point, I was guarding him, and I just crossed my arms and said, "Are you going to actually go somewhere at some point?" (He got indignant, and I stripped the ball from him. Never saw him again.)

If the rest of the guys in the game are on board for the Mixtape Tour, then by all means, go for it. But don't force everyone else on the court to the style of basketball only you enjoy. That's the definition of a Pick-Up Game Chemistry Killer.

The Cherry Harvester

These guys score an inordinate amount of fast-break points just by leaking out on the break. I'm not talking about the guys who leak out once a game or so for an easy bucket. Cherry Harvesters end up with 0 boards, and 0 assists because all they look to do is run. It's literally their ONLY move.

If you're on offense with a cherry harvester, he's always yelling for the ball. (Like you somehow wouldn't realize he was still just going to be cherry picking.) You have to get it to him, because it's the smart basketball play, but it always feels like cheating. It's like pressing pause while your opponent's shooting FTs. It may work, but it's a total jerk move.

If cherry picking is your only basketball skill, you need to develop other basketball skills, and you're not ever going to do that by simply putting your hand up and running down the court while everyone else is boxing out. Get some new material, bro.

The Hacker

Hackers is one of my favorite movies of the 90's.  Hackers on the court are another story.  These are the guys who don't move on defense, so they hack you every time you got them beat (which is often).  Since there are no free throws or foul outs in pick up ball, there is nothing to really stop the Hacker from bruising your forearms and dragging out the game.

Their only crime was fouls... lots of fouls.

Image Cred: United Artists

Like Crash Override, Acid Burn and friends, basketball Hackers come in all shapes and sizes and got into hacking for all sorts of different reasons.  Some are "crafty" old guys who really just can't move anymore, but haven't come to terms with that fact .  Others are "physical" (fat) guys who think they are playing "tough" defense.  Still others are "scorers" who only deign to play defense by sagging off their man and playing the passing lanes in hopes of landing a one-man fast break opportunity for themselves.  Suddenly their man uses the space to get to the cup and *SLAP* there's the foul.  Check it up top.

"Let this be a lesson to you: stay out of the lane."

Honest fouls happen all the time.  There are even occasions, such as game point situations in a close game, where intentionally fouling someone is understandable and acceptable.  Where this gets old is when it happens EVERY TIME YOU GET THE BALL.  If you're going to play basketball, at least try to play a clean game.  If you can't stay in front of your man, ask to switch assignments with a teammate.  Don't resort to cheap tactics.  In the words of Mark Jackson: "You're better than that!"

The "Official" Scorekeeper

Here's the situation. You're playing a pretty heated game to 13. It's pretty evenly matched, but a couple quick turnovers, and the tide of the game has turned. All of a sudden, somehow, during the run of play, a debate over what the score is breaks out.

Some guy can't possibly believe that the score is 9-6. There's no way, because he, himself scored 3 points. Therefore the score is wrong, and he refuses to play until it is rectified.

Look, I can understand forgetting the score once or twice in the heat of the game. But when it only seems to come up to stop a run and/or when he feels that his team is getting the short end of the stick, let's just say I don't give them the benefit of a doubt any more. Then I have to become "Jerk Who Loudly Announces the Score after Every Made Basket".

The Master Debator

For better or worse, there are no referees in pickup ball, so players have to referee themselves.   Unfortunately, it only takes one douchebag to ruin this utopia, and that douchebag is "The Master Debator."

Unlike Ronald Reagan, "Master Debators" don't pay for the microphone.
Image Cred: AP

He's never committed a foul in his entire lifetime.  If you successfully alter his shot, it's a foul against humanity.  His feet are always inside the lines and his pivot is always glued to the pavement.  His hawklike eyes can see you taking steps that you aren't even taking, and his obstinate mind will never admit to being wrong.  He will argue and argue and argue until everyone's legs have cramped and their shooting arms have gone ice cold.  He's more interested in winning the debate than playing basketball, and will ruin everyone's day to achieve this end.  Even his own teammates cannot dissuade him of his own righteousness, and he will continue to bellow his nonsensical points until everyone relents just to shut him up.

The Player-Coach

Ever run into a guy that fancies himself as being John Wooden, Phil Jackson, and Jeff Van Gundy combined? This guy can never get bother to get back on D in transition, but he loves to tell you about how you should have stopped that 3-on-1 break because the guy who scored always goes left, and you really should have known that.

I find that the Player-Coach is always far more coach than player. It's more like they're a "Participant-Coach". They can't generally play worth a crap, so they like to think they can make up for the deficiencies by barking out advice to help you with your game.

In a pick-up game, the adage, "If you can't, teach." does not apply! If you can't, please shut the hell up until the game is over. Afterwards, if you want to say something prefaced with, "As someone who's not able to get back on defense..." and then launch into your helpful tips, that's a perfectly fine time to do so. But if I'm getting frustrated from having to carry your behind during the game, the last thing I want to hear from you is helpful tips on how I can be picking up MORE of your slack.

The Prospect

Sometimes you have a game where you're playing with someone who just isn't up to the standards of everyone else, or you just don't feel like playing a super intense game of ball. But, then you get the guy that thinks every time he steps on the court is an opportunity for him to make a highlight reel in his mind.

He'll go around blocking the 5-foot-nothing girls on the court, double-teaming the guy that everyone knows can't dribble, and pounding the ball into the post for 11 points in a game to 11 when the opposing team doesn't have anyone who's even close to his height and weight.

"Stuart Scott is ready for his Prospect moment."
Image Cred: ESPN

I'm reminded of something I heard in a pick-up game at a fitness club that got too heated once. "Ain't no scouts here. Ain't none of you all ever gonna be suiting up for a team. When you go home, you WILL be going home to your day jobs." This is true for pretty much every playground in the nation. There is no championship on the line every time you step onto the court. Know when to play hard, know when to have fun. All wins are not equal on the playground.

That's our list, but maybe we've got a small sample size, because we don't play in every country and every nation. What are some of your most annoying Pick-Up Game Chemistry Killers? Let us know in the comments section.

Attention ballers: STOP WHINING!

In his post, the Chairman made some great points about how the NBA needs to clean up the officiating.  Now let’s focus on the other half of the equation: the players.

Bad calls are made in every game.  Referees make mistakes and until we have super robots that will make perfect calls every time, this human error will continue to be part of the game.  Everybody knows this.  Everybody understands this.  So why do some NBA players (and coaches) insist on acting like toddlers whenever a call doesn't go their way?  The demonstrative gesturing and the excessive whining have got to stop, not only for the good of the league but also for the good of the game.

"Excuse me, Sir, but I believe you are in error."
Image Cred: Lex Nihil Novi

Before we go any further, let me clarify that I'm not against players disagreeing with questionable calls.  I believe that every player has a right to discuss a call with the referee... in a professional manner.  Everyone is capable of doing this.  Many NBA players do behave like grown-ups, but just as many do not.

This problem is partially the league's fault.  After all, the league has many bogus unwritten rules that enable such behavior.  My favorite is the concept of "superstars/veterans earning calls."  This is the idea that if a rookie successfully draws a charge against a star player, it may still be called a blocking foul unless it's really, really, obviously an offensive foul.  This is also the idea that certain players are entitled to taking extra steps in the lane without getting called for traveling, and others are allowed to shuffle their feet while setting screens.  I'm no lawyer, but when I look at the rules, I'm pretty sure that a charge is a charge, traveling is traveling, and that a moving pick is something that happens when you set a pick while you're still moving.  Rules are rules, and they should be applied equally to everyone, from the shiniest stars to the scrubbiest scrubs.  The inequality in the application of the rules leads to players feeling even more entitled to getting their way; after all, they're professional athletes and already have plenty of self-entitlement.  Stars think they deserve calls, veterans think that their veteran status has earned them more leeway, and everyone else wants to keep testing the waters to see if he's earned his stripes yet.

"It's called a CRAB DRIBBLE!  Look it up!"
Image Cred: AP

When it comes to playing basketball, NBA players are the best of the best.  Everyone who loves and aspires to play the game watches and emulates the pros.  Therefore, NBA player behavior shapes the way the game is played everywhere else.  MJ's fashion choices on the court led to the demise of the short short.  Allen Iverson's dominance spawned an entire generation of cocky short guys taking tons of bad shots and not passing.  This isn't a Charles Barkley role model thing; the influence is real.  I can't tell you how many times I've had to stand around on a playground while a grown-ass man insists on arguing an inconsequential call like he's Wesley Snipes in the opening of White Men Can't Jump.  I woke up early and came out here to play some basketball.  If I wanted to see people argue, I'd watch Jerry Springer... or, unfortunately, the NBA.  Players, professional and otherwise, need to learn that excessive arguing is not okay.  It is unsportsmanlike and, ultimately, it makes the game less fun.

Therefore, I think the league should take two measures to help deal with this problem.  First, the league needs to put its foot down on "earning calls."  Treat everybody the same; it's a very American concept that we can all get behind.  Second, encourage officials to hand out more technicals to players who whine too much.  In the short term, the increase in stoppage of play will be annoying, but in the long term, it will help to curb the problem.  Technical free throws (and suspensions) are costly, and coaches hate them.  If a player does something his coach hates, that player will get an earful about it (and, in some cases, lose playing time).

While watching Summer League last week, I kept hearing about how every player has had to adjust to the speed and physicality of the NBA game.  With these changes, every player will just have to adjust to one more thing: acting like an adult when you have a disagreement.  In the words of Detective John Kimball: "STOP WHINING!"

"Shhh!"
Image Cred: AP

FIFA, NBA, You Officially Need To Step Your Game Up.

I'm a fan of most sports, from the big to the obscure.  You can always count me in for the Tour de France, any of the tennis Grand Slams, the Olympics, and especially the World Cup (even if matches do start at 4:30am here on the West Coast).  This Cup provided a lot of nice spectacle, but it also provided a lot of horrible sideshows.

Somewhere on the way to the pitch, the refs seemed to decide that the superstars of the 2010 Cup would be the refs.  I almost felt like I was being punished for getting up early to watch.  Kaka gets tossed for a Paul Pierce-esque flop by Kader Keita.  South Africa's top goalie receives a BS red card and ejected.  The US has 2 goals disallowed, Argentina gets a goal counted with a man clearly offside.  You watch the games to see which team is going to come out on top.  That's why they play the game. (Minister's note: just ask Herm Edwards)  If the game ends and you have more questions as to which is the superior team, something is seriously WRONG.

When you miss something THIS obvious, there are problems.
Image Cred: MSNBC

This brings me to the NBA.  How many games in this year's playoffs were "What If The Ref Didn't?" games?  I can think of at least 3 from the NBA Finals alone.  How many games should that series have really gone?  I don't watch reality shows (ok, I do watch one: Top Shot on the History Channel is pretty fun TV).  I certainly don't want the NBA turning into some reality-TV-style scripted drama.

People kept talking about that Bulls-Celtics series that went 7 games like it was the most dramatic series they'd ever experienced.  Hell no.  The refs forced that series to go 7 games, period.  Half the buzzer beaters the Celtics hit in that series were courtesy of absolutely blatant moving screens right in front of the refs.  Even worse was how the announcers just had to pretend how exciting it was to watch Glen Davis shove two guys out of the way.  "How do you leave Allen that open!?"  By the other team cheating, Doug, that's how.  It's only gotten worse since then.

Oh, and let's not forget Rajon Rondo punching Brad Miller in the face.
Image Cred: The Truth Sports

In the wake of the Tim Donaghy scandal (which is oddly traveling in the exact opposite arc as the Jose Canseco whistle blowing scandal), you'd figure that the LAST thing the NBA would want is some kind of referee debacle on their biggest stage. Well, guess what? That's exactly what they got.

The stupid part is that the NBA, much like FIFA, could very easily fix the mistakes that are absolutely KILLING their sports right now.  The NBA should assign a 4th ref, so that each ref gets to see a quadrant of the floor, instead of trying to divide it up into 3.  FIFA needs to get some damn goal line cameras, and put 2 more sideline judges on the field so they're not caught out of position on long passes.

Both the NBA and FIFA need to start training some new refs and stop bringing the infamous refs whose names are synonymous with "screw job" to the most important matches in their respective sports.  Goodbye Jorge Larrionda, hasta la vista, Steve Javie, see you later Martin Hansson, and no more seeing Joey Crawford challenging NBA players to fights.  When fans of BOTH teams are groaning about the refs, there's something horribly wrong.

"I hear what you're saying Kurt, but douchebags like me don't change overnight."
Image Cred: daylife

Sure, the NBA and FIFA will smile and point to their all-important ratings numbers for their events, and claim that clearly nothing is wrong. They are merely giving the public what it wants to see.  That's garbage and this facade needs to stop.  We are tuning in to a sporting event because that's what we want to see.  You can't play this scripted drama game for long before you start losing the fans for good.

More Detailed Thoughts on Last Night's Massacre of Sports Journalism

Last night was a pretty bad day for sports fans, and not people who consider themselves fans of "sports entertainment". Let's face it, you either had to side with a petulant child or with a city that was rioting and an owner that sounded like a 9-year-old ranting about lag on his favorite game developer's message board.

I unequivocally have to side with Gilbert and Cleveland here. Not because leaving Cleveland was a jerk move or any of that, but because the way LeBron decided to do this was so incredibly awful that he forced my hand. I've never understood the level of reality detachment that some Kobe-haters needed to have in order to embrace LeBron. Even before last night, fans of LeBron who hated Kobe had no leg to stand on when it came to Kobe manufacturing his image. Kobe's not the guy who had his family manage him. Kobe's not the guy who turned Eddie Murphy's egomaniacal Nutty Professor movies into an ad campaign. Kobe's not the guy who came out before he'd even played a game and declared himself King, complete with "Reverend" Bernie Mac and a gospel choir. Kobe's got his faults, no argument, but nothing he'd ever done even began to approach what happened last night.

What happened last night was LeBron going full Palin. (I don't plan on getting politics in my sports very often, they're not 2 great tastes that taste great together, but hear me out.) Palin's accomplished nothing. Literally nothing. And yet, the mainstream media picks her comments up and runs with them, even though her two biggest accomplishments are derailing McCain's campaign and quitting on the job her home state elected her to do. Yet instead of being contrite, humble and devoted to becoming better at her job, she's devoted herself to declaring that she's awesome, despite all the facts to the contrary, and somehow this gets picked up and run without being contested in the slightest.

And that's precisely what LeBron did last night. LeBron claimed to be a loyal guy, claimed that somehow going on TV and having a 60-minute special all dedicated to himself was a "humbling" experience, and instead of calling him on it, ESPN just talked about how fortunate they were to have LeBron there with them as he tossed lighter fluid on the last shreds of their journalistic integrity and lit them on fire. They just sat there and accepted it. "Of course LeBron's loyal, did you not just hear him say he was!? Sheesh."

ESPN's obviously going to claim that the "E" in "ESPN" stands for "entertainment" as they always do. They're also likely going to claim that the articles they posted by Bill Simmons and Gene Wojciechowski are more than other channels would have provided in the counter-point department, but I gotta call bullshit on that. You had an unprecedented one-hour train-wreck devoted to one man's ego, and you put up two internet columns to counter-balance that? That's as pathetic a counter as British Petroleum provided for their oil fiasco.

The puzzling thing for me is that it had to take the single most self-serving sports spectacle (even further than Eli Manning and Elway refusing to play for teams in the NFL Draft, even more self-serving than the all the Brett Favre circuses combined, even more attention-whoring than anything Jose Canseco has done) for people to realize that Pretty Pretty Princess LeBron, and the way the media was handling him, was more sham than it is wow.

The player that people claimed would average a triple-double for a season, and that the aforementioned Bill Simmons said was impossible to overrate, was and is, overrated. This is NOT a knock on LeBron, it's a knock on the way the entirety of sports media has been carrying his bags for the past 7+ years. Nobody has backed off of any of the grandiose claims they made about LeBron, yet they still act as if he has met those marks. Kobe wins 3 rings, and the storyline surronding him is, "He can't win one without Shaq." LeBron wins 0 rings, and pulls down a bronze medal with Team USA, and the rap around him was, "Well, he's going to get 4 or 5 rings eventually."

Name me another player in history that has ever gotten the, "Well, he's going to get his championship eventually" coddling? Did people say that about Jordan? No. They said he wasn't anything until he could get past the Celtics, and then later the Pistons. People still want to deny Kobe's greatness. Nobody ever said Clyde was guaranteed a ring. Patrick Ewing, 'Nique, Chuckster, the Iceman, and Reggie Miller are all wondering why this double-standard got erected for LeBron.

Maybe in way last night was a good thing. Maybe by the sports media hitting rock bottom, we've ensured that they will never sink this low again? We have hope. The results of a Sports Illustrated poll indicate that most people were turned off by LeBron's actions last night. However, the cynic in me foresees that it's only a matter of time before this is de rigeur for every high profile free agent across all sports. If that comes to pass, there should be a LeBron James jersey burning at each and every one, regardless of sport.

Taking our Talents to the Blogosphere

Today is the day after the LeTrainwreck press conference during which he announced some really important decision regarding his Talents and where he is taking them. I thought his Talents went off to party in South Beach during the Eastern Conference semis, and he’s just going down there to get them back. Silly me.

"South Beach, bringin' the Heat."

Image Cred: Columbia Records

The ridiculousness of the whole situation ultimately inspired the Chairman and me to finally get this blog thing off the ground. Here is our subsequent late night text exchange:

CHAIRMAN: I dub Miami “The Unholy Trinity” because it prominently features a Judas.

MINISTER: I dub Miami “The Three Splooges” because they will be constantly jerking off to their own Greatness.

CHAIRMAN: Today marks the first time in his career when LeBron showed the killer instinct. He used it to finish off the city of Cleveland.

MINISTER: We need to go back in time and start our blog like a year ago.

Better present than never.

Welcome to Double Clutch, the Blog with At Least Twice the Amount of Clutch as Other Sports Sites

So, my friend, the Minister of Clutch and I have been kicking around this sports blog idea for a while now. Basically, we were kind of fed up with the amount of softballing and genuflecting that these highly paid prima donnas get. It doesn't look like mainstream media is ever going to get off of the gravy train, so it falls to regular people like us to actually call people out, point out that the emperor's not wearing any clothes, or that these "advanced statistics" seem to bear no resemblance to reality. We'd also like to do so with a bit of levity, humor and wit, as mainstream sports "journalists" - evidenced in the Summer of LeBron - seem to be lacking in some or all of these categories. The Minister and I are both California born and bred, so you may detect some bias, but we will try to be even.

Please join us on a magical journey into the future of sports blogging awesomeness. Or be destroyed.