Any seasoned baller knows the value of just the right balance in a pick-up game. When all the players are on an equal level and don't have attitude issues, these become legendary games in our minds. Unfortunately, these games are few and far between. Too many games end up with people leaving and saying, "This would have been fun, if it weren't for the one asshole."
Well, it's time to call them out. Here's our list of the worst Pick-Up Game Chemistry Killer Archetypes. Bear in mind that certain people will fit into multiple categories. There's unfortunately no known natural upper-bound in the amount of douchebaggery that one person can employ. With that in mind, please enjoy our list, in no particular order:
The Shoot-Only Point Guard
One unfortunate byproduct of the Allen Iverson era has been the popularization of the "shoot-first PG" philosophy among players not named Allen Iverson. Even though Iverson is practically irrelevant now, his legacy of play lives on among selfish ballers on playgrounds across America.
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| See this guy? He's not Allen Iverson. Neither are you. Image Cred: lowposts.com |
We've all met him. We've all played with him. He's the guy who insists on bringing the ball up the court and then shooting the ball and then wanting the ball back if a teammate manages to rebound the ball. This guy may actually be a decent player (or at least was when he was younger), and can shoot your team into a game. But just as quickly he will shoot your team out of the game with his horrendous shot selection and with the defense quickly figuring out his game plan, which does not and will not involve you.
Here is a list of the SOPG's go-to moves:
• Pull-up three with a hand in his face, before his teammates can get into rebounding position.
• Overdribbling, followed by a turnover
• Overdribbling, followed by an off-balance layup attempt that is doubly contested
• Picking up his dribble inside the perimeter, drawing a double team, then ignoring open teammates to shoot a brick over taller defenders
• Vehemently calling for the ball if a teammate somehow gets the ball, then rolling his eyes if a teammate misses due to being ice cold
If this sounds just like your offensive repertoire, then you're an asshole and you should PASS THE FUCKING BALL.
This style of play ruins the game for everyone. If you are the SOPG's teammate, then then only time you'll touch the ball is if you get a rebound. Even if your team wins, you won't care because you didn't get a chance to participate. If you are facing off against the SOPG, things are a little more tolerable on the offensive end because the SOPG probably doesn't play real defense anyway. However, sticking to your man who's moving off-ball is a waste of energy because he's never getting the ball anyway... I guess that's a plus if you like saving energy without having to take plays off. But it certainly doesn't make for good basketball. If I wanted to be a spectator for a one-man-show, I'd go to a comedy club.
The Big Man Who Doesn't Like Being Typecast
Look, I don't mind people trying to work on different parts of their game in pick-up games. After all, if you're in a league or something, you don't want to experiment with this stuff in your real games. But if we're on a busy court where winners stay, and they've got a big man, you better damn well be setting up on the low block, and not the top of the key. The point guard's domain is the top of the key, and the big man belongs in the paint. If you're not in the paint, then the point guard has to go there. When you start bricking your uncontested 3s, he's not going to get those boards that you'd be getting. (Or you know, airballing them.)
So, Big Man, don't try and work on your Arvydas Sabonis impersonation. You're not Pau Gasol. Set up on the low block, grab boards, and if you run back on the D, I'll drop you a sweet dime so you can look good for the ladies.
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Old Spice , gold medals, candelabras and a chainsaw... These things combined can't match the lady-attracting power of a fast-break finish.Image Cred: thedonutproject.com |
The Kid
If your pick-up game is exceedingly lackadaisical, you're not running a good pick-up game. And if you're running a good pick-up game, there's no reason to include a kid who hasn't hit puberty yet. (Unless you're actually a bunch of kids running pick-up games.) Unless your kid's some pre-high school phenom, don't bring him onto the court. Your kid's not going to be able to guard anyone in the post, everyone's going to back him down, and he's not going to have any handles. If ha can hold his own already, great. If this is your attempt to get him to learn how to hold his own, it's stupid.
All he's going to be able to do competently is sit in the corner and jack up 3s. Look, be a good parent and find some good kids for your kid to run with. I know you're trying to be responsible keep an eye on your kid, but seriously, whenever you're playing a pick up game 5-on-4, nobody's happy about it.
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| Eric's a nice enough guy, but do you really want to give your kid Eric Piatkowsi tendencies? Image Cred: stopmikelupica.com |
The Weed Smoker
This isn't some clever nickname. The Weed Smoker is exactly what you think he is: a guy who thinks it's okay to smoke weed on the court in broad daylight, even if that court is located outdoors on school grounds that required a little fence-hopping to gain access to.
I myself do not partake of the magical leaf, but I have no problem with it or with people who do (hell, I'm pro-legalization). I'm just saying that there is a time and a place for everything, and smoking blunts between games is inappropriate.
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| "He's a very young and immature kid who smoked too much marijuana," said David Kahn. Image Cred: Getty Images |
This isn't even a performance thing. There are plenty of ballers who have a well-documented love of the ganja. If anything, these guys are more laid back than some of the other Chemistry Killers on this list... some might even argue that the marijuana makes them more "creative" in setting up teammates.
My point is that when you are quasi-trespassing on public school property, you never know when a cop with nothing better to do decides to roll by and hassle some basketball-playing "thugs," just because you can't go without a hit between the time you left your house and the time you get home. Grow up.
The Guy Who Thinks Every Game Is an And-1 Game
Let me clarify, I'm not talking about doing a little hot-dogging and trash-talking. I'm talking about some guy who comes down the court when it's 1-0, and spends 30-45 seconds showing off his "handles".
I played with one guy who'd do this all the time. This was in a gym that ran games that went for 12 minutes, and then the game ended. So he'd basically come down, and blow 20% of everyone's game time by boring everyone to death with his unimpressive dribbling. At one point, I was guarding him, and I just crossed my arms and said, "Are you going to actually go somewhere at some point?" (He got indignant, and I stripped the ball from him. Never saw him again.)
If the rest of the guys in the game are on board for the Mixtape Tour, then by all means, go for it. But don't force everyone else on the court to the style of basketball only you enjoy. That's the definition of a Pick-Up Game Chemistry Killer.
The Cherry Harvester
These guys score an inordinate amount of fast-break points just by leaking out on the break. I'm not talking about the guys who leak out once a game or so for an easy bucket. Cherry Harvesters end up with 0 boards, and 0 assists because all they look to do is run. It's literally their ONLY move.
If you're on offense with a cherry harvester, he's always yelling for the ball. (Like you somehow wouldn't realize he was still just going to be cherry picking.) You have to get it to him, because it's the smart basketball play, but it always feels like cheating. It's like pressing pause while your opponent's shooting FTs. It may work, but it's a total jerk move.
If cherry picking is your only basketball skill, you need to develop other basketball skills, and you're not ever going to do that by simply putting your hand up and running down the court while everyone else is boxing out. Get some new material, bro.
The Hacker
Hackers
is one of my favorite movies of the 90's. Hackers on the court are another story. These are the guys who don't move on defense, so they hack you every time you got them beat (which is often). Since there are no free throws or foul outs in pick up ball, there is nothing to really stop the Hacker from bruising your forearms and dragging out the game. |
| Their only crime was fouls... lots of fouls. Image Cred: United Artists |
Like Crash Override, Acid Burn and friends, basketball Hackers come in all shapes and sizes and got into hacking for all sorts of different reasons. Some are "crafty" old guys who really just can't move anymore, but haven't come to terms with that fact . Others are "physical" (fat) guys who think they are playing "tough" defense. Still others are "scorers" who only deign to play defense by sagging off their man and playing the passing lanes in hopes of landing a one-man fast break opportunity for themselves. Suddenly their man uses the space to get to the cup and *SLAP* there's the foul. Check it up top.
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| "Let this be a lesson to you: stay out of the lane." |
Honest fouls happen all the time. There are even occasions, such as game point situations in a close game, where intentionally fouling someone is understandable and acceptable. Where this gets old is when it happens EVERY TIME YOU GET THE BALL. If you're going to play basketball, at least try to play a clean game. If you can't stay in front of your man, ask to switch assignments with a teammate. Don't resort to cheap tactics. In the words of Mark Jackson: "You're better than that!"
The "Official" Scorekeeper
Here's the situation. You're playing a pretty heated game to 13. It's pretty evenly matched, but a couple quick turnovers, and the tide of the game has turned. All of a sudden, somehow, during the run of play, a debate over what the score is breaks out.
Some guy can't possibly believe that the score is 9-6. There's no way, because he, himself scored 3 points. Therefore the score is wrong, and he refuses to play until it is rectified.
Look, I can understand forgetting the score once or twice in the heat of the game. But when it only seems to come up to stop a run and/or when he feels that his team is getting the short end of the stick, let's just say I don't give them the benefit of a doubt any more. Then I have to become "Jerk Who Loudly Announces the Score after Every Made Basket".
The Master Debator
For better or worse, there are no referees in pickup ball, so players have to referee themselves. Unfortunately, it only takes one douchebag to ruin this utopia, and that douchebag is "The Master Debator."
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| Unlike Ronald Reagan, "Master Debators" don't pay for the microphone. Image Cred: AP |
He's never committed a foul in his entire lifetime. If you successfully alter his shot, it's a foul against humanity. His feet are always inside the lines and his pivot is always glued to the pavement. His hawklike eyes can see you taking steps that you aren't even taking, and his obstinate mind will never admit to being wrong. He will argue and argue and argue until everyone's legs have cramped and their shooting arms have gone ice cold. He's more interested in winning the debate than playing basketball, and will ruin everyone's day to achieve this end. Even his own teammates cannot dissuade him of his own righteousness, and he will continue to bellow his nonsensical points until everyone relents just to shut him up.
The Player-Coach
Ever run into a guy that fancies himself as being John Wooden, Phil Jackson, and Jeff Van Gundy combined? This guy can never get bother to get back on D in transition, but he loves to tell you about how you should have stopped that 3-on-1 break because the guy who scored always goes left, and you really should have known that.
I find that the Player-Coach is always far more coach than player. It's more like they're a "Participant-Coach". They can't generally play worth a crap, so they like to think they can make up for the deficiencies by barking out advice to help you with your game.
In a pick-up game, the adage, "If you can't, teach." does not apply! If you can't, please shut the hell up until the game is over. Afterwards, if you want to say something prefaced with, "As someone who's not able to get back on defense..." and then launch into your helpful tips, that's a perfectly fine time to do so. But if I'm getting frustrated from having to carry your behind during the game, the last thing I want to hear from you is helpful tips on how I can be picking up MORE of your slack.
The Prospect
Sometimes you have a game where you're playing with someone who just isn't up to the standards of everyone else, or you just don't feel like playing a super intense game of ball. But, then you get the guy that thinks every time he steps on the court is an opportunity for him to make a highlight reel in his mind.
He'll go around blocking the 5-foot-nothing girls on the court, double-teaming the guy that everyone knows can't dribble, and pounding the ball into the post for 11 points in a game to 11 when the opposing team doesn't have anyone who's even close to his height and weight.
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| "Stuart Scott is ready for his Prospect moment." Image Cred: ESPN |
I'm reminded of something I heard in a pick-up game at a fitness club that got too heated once. "Ain't no scouts here. Ain't none of you all ever gonna be suiting up for a team. When you go home, you WILL be going home to your day jobs." This is true for pretty much every playground in the nation. There is no championship on the line every time you step onto the court. Know when to play hard, know when to have fun. All wins are not equal on the playground.
That's our list, but maybe we've got a small sample size, because we don't play in every country and every nation. What are some of your most annoying Pick-Up Game Chemistry Killers? Let us know in the comments section.
